Two monologues

January 29, 2011 § Leave a comment

At college the other day we did a couple of writing exercises.

The first was to write a monologue from the perspective of a pebble lying on a beach, and the second was to write a monologue in which a secret is revealed.

After we’d done the first, Tony casually mentioned that asking people to write from the point of view of an inanimate object is a common technique in psychoanalysis, as the transference gives people subconscious ‘permission’ to reveal their underlying state of mind.

Now I’m worried I might be suffering from some kind of megalomania…


The Pebble

I look like all the rest, don’t I?

I’m round, like them. Smaller than some, perhaps, but not the smallest. Other pebbles on this beach are prettier, maybe. I’m surprised you noticed me at all.

But there’s a lot you don’t know about me.

You see, I’ve been lying on this beach for over a hundred years. And before that, I was on another beach down the coast. Before that, another. And so on, and so on. Every time the waves came in and the current tugged at me, I moved. And every time I moved I rubbed against other pebbles, other rocks. And every time that happened I got a little bit smaller – a chip here, a grain there. Worn smoother and smoother, and smaller and smaller, by the waves.

So you see, I was a lot bigger once. Very big, actually.

I was a meteorite.

Millions and millions of years ago I fell out of space and killed every living creature on Earth.

You definitely would’ve noticed me then.


The Secret

I’ve got something to tell you.

You know that yoghurt you were saving? The expensive, rich, full-fat, creamy Greek yoghurt with the pink Post-It note on it that said ‘Mine!’ with an exclamation mark and a little heart over the ‘i’?

I was the one who ate it.

I suppose you’re expecting me to apologise, aren’t you? To look ashamed and guilty, and to say I’m sorry. Well I’m not going to, because I’m not sorry.

It was fucking delicious. God I enjoyed it. I can see why you were saving it now. What a treat!

But if I’m honest, I didn’t eat it because I was hungry, or because I thought it looked good.

No, I just wanted to piss you off. It was that note.

Anyone who dot their ‘i’s’ with little hearts deserves everything they get.



January 27, 2011 § Leave a comment

And one from yesterday…


January 25, 2011 § Leave a comment

Whoops, forgot one

January 25, 2011 § Leave a comment

Headline sketches

January 24, 2011 § Leave a comment

For a while now I’ve been doing sketches to newspaper headlines, usually taken from the front page of the The Sun. Just quick sketches, five minutes or so. Having recently sorted out my scanner, I’ve scanned in the ones I’ve done so far. 67 of them, in fact.

My approach is pretty loose – usually I just take the line at it is and go for something funny based around that in isolation, rather than delving into the news story it refers to. It’s pretty fun; and looking at them all laid out as they are below shows it to be quite a good record of what’s been happening in current affairs, if in a very superficial way.

It’s a big image, so click to see it zoomed in.

January 23, 2011 § Leave a comment

“I see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes”

The Rolling Stones – ‘Paint it Black’

Itchy Biro fingers

January 23, 2011 § Leave a comment

Did a couple of sketches on the train the other day:

Geddit? Who’s the love child of Love and Hate? YOU ARE, because sex is an act in which violence and affection are combined.

This woman was opposite me so I drew from her reflection in the window to save my embarrassment. Never drawn a stranger like that before, it was fun. Must do it more often.

Where Am I?

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